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Sunday, December 16, 2007

Ten Christmas Song I Hate,
& Ten Christmas Songs I Like

Music is a very subjective area - one person's "Molly Hatchet" is another man's Strauss. And let's face the music...most Christmas and holiday songs, except for the time-tested standards - suck and they suck royally. So keep that in mind when reading what I wrote below...along with a sense of humor - especially about the "Worst" list.

Oh - and this post contains "adult" language - just thought I'd let you know. If that kind of language offends you, you probably shouldn't read this post.

Ten Worst Christmas/Holiday Songs Ever
(In My Opinion)

In order:

1) "White Christmas" - Bing Crosby. I hate all whistling in any form, and I hope Crosby is on a spit, roasting over flames in Hell for eternity. I hate this fucking song and all versions of it performed by any and all singers. But Crosby's version is the worst, the absolute worst.

2) "I Saw Three Ships" - Sting. "I hear this song, I hear this song, I hear this song over and over...It makes me puke, it makes me puke, it makes me puke three shades of blood. Sting's solo career sucks, Sting's solo career sucks, I liked him when with 'The Police.' But now he's a sell-out, now he's a sell-out, he's a sell-out without any shame. I hate this song, I hate this song, have I mentioned how I hate this song. I sucks bloody shit, it sucks bloody shit, have I mentioned it sucks bloody shit."

The only thing that could make me loathe "Three Ships" more is if it had whistling in it - which, thankfully - it doesn't. You may like this song...well, tell you what...you get it stuck in your head for two or three days and see if you don't end up hating it. It is the Christmas/holiday version equivalent of Disney's god-awful "It's A Small World (After All)". "I Saw Three Ships" makes me want to put a bullet in my head.

3) "Step Into Christmas" - Elton John. A forced attempt by John to create a "new" Christmas song. It fails on all levels; musically, lyrically and - as a video - it couldn't be more gay, and I mean gay not in the gay sense, but in the most malicious and offensive definition as possible.

4) "Wonderful Christmastime" - Paul McCartney. A chunk of odoriferous, wormy dog feces. Like John's "Step Into Christmas", this song was nothing more than a desperate attempt by McCartney to create a "new" Christmas song. The only way this song could suck more is if it were sung by Yoko Ono.

5) "All I Want For Christmas, Is You" - Mariah Carey. A sub-mediocre song by a sub-mediocre singer. Her entire career exists only because early on - getting her start - she married record mogul Tommy Mattola and let him boink her. Had she not done so, she would be asking you if you "want fries with that." This song is so unexceptionally mundane and sugary it sends the triglyceride levels of anyone who hears it into the tens-of thousands .

6) "Happy Christmas (War is Over)" - John Lennon and Yoko Ono. Lennon was a very gifted lyricist and singer. Yoko makes my ears bleed. This song was another attempt to create a "new" Christmas song. It fails on all levels, receiving far too much airplay. If an unknown singer/songwriter tried to peddle this song, it would be turned down by everyone in the music industry as a piece of shit.

7) "P
eace On Earth/Little Drummer Boy" - Bing Crosby - David Bowie duet. I think Bowie is a legend, a musical genius on all levels. Whatever possessed him to do this duet with the wretched, child-beating Crosby is beyond me. It's an awful song and hearing it almost...almost... makes me long to hear whistling.

8) "Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer" - Elmo and Patsy. One of my nieces liked this song when she was a little kid, I don't know how she feels about it now that she is an adult. I just hate this song, it's an instant visceral reaction on my part at pure and unadulterated hatred of a wretched song performed by a singer who is bereft of any musical talent whatsoever.

9) "Santa Baby" - by any artist except the Eartha Kitt version. Eartha Kitt is the only one who manages to pull this song off without making it sound like an aging, rode hard and hung-up-wet prostitute soliciting Santa Claus. The Madonna Louise version is by far the worst adaptation with Madonna Louise managing to redefine the term "sluttiness"; no surprise there.

10) "Last Christmas" - George Michael and Wham. Who would have guessed that the singer of this song would, later in life, be arrested for soliciting sex from men in a public toilet? A terrible song in every aspect, buying this CD or MP3 should come with garbage-size vomit bag. Raaaaaaaaaallllllllllllllllppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppph.

Dishonorable Mentions:

"I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" - by any artist. I hate this song, I hate this song, I hate this song. Note to kid: That's not Santa your Mommy is kissing, it's your Dad's brother dressed as Santa.

"Little Saint Nick" - The Beach Boys. I like so much of the Beach Boys huge repository of music, but "Little Saint Nick" is a piece of reeking feces.

"All I Want For Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth" - by any artist. A song that would drive me to infanticide.

Any Christmas song, (and any other song for that matter), sung by Michael Bolton. His voice isn't bad, but why does he have to howl and screech, endlessly holding on to notes like a stuck pig? Sometimes less is more, but Bolton and the producers of any of his songs are afraid to try this approach.

Any Christmas song, (and any other song for that matter), sung by Manlissa Etheridge. She suffers from the same affliction as Bolton; holding on to notes for far too long, howling like a coyote whose leg is stuck in a bear trap. There is nothing special or unique about her mannish voice. She is a pauper pauper's version of the Rod Stewart growl. There is nothing unique or original in anything she's ever recorded. She is one of those who simply "got lucky". There are thousands of more talented singers who are waiting tables, yet to be discovered, that possess far more talent than Etheridge.

Any Christmas song, and any other song, performed by Kenny G.

"Christmas Time Is Here" - Peanuts Gang. This song is so grating I'd rather have nails pounded into my skull. Hell, I'll take a four-day migraine rather than listening to this unmitigated piece of horse manure.

"Do They Know It's Christmas" - Band Aid. The stuff that nightmares and serial killers are made of

"Santa Claus Is Coming To Town" - Bruce Springsteen. I think on this song, Bruce is Manlissa in drag, if that is possible.

"The Chipmunk Song" - The Chipmunks. Get me my .12 gauge, there will be dead rodents.

"Please Come Home For Christmas" - The Eagles. An over-rated piece of shit. And I like the Eagles!

Any Christmas song, and any other song, by Barbra Streisand. An over-rated, self-centered, ugly turd of a woman with a voice like nails being dragged across a chalk board.

"The Chanukah Song" - Adam Sandler. I do not like this song, I do not find Adam Sandler funny or humorous in any way, shape or form. He doesn't make me laugh, not even by accident. I just do not find Sandler funny or amusing at all; never have.

"The Twelve Days of Christmas" - by any artist. This song is too long, too repetitive and nauseating. Why...Sting should record it if he already hasn't.

"We Wish You A Merry Christmas (And A Happy New Year)" - by any artist. Another one that is too long, too repetitive and blood-in-your-stool inducing. Why...Sting should record it if he already hasn't.


Ten Best Christmas/Holiday Song
(In My Opinion)

These are the best, and they need no explanation as to their popularity, the abundance of talent by the performers and their timeless appeal:

1) "Blue Christmas" - Elvis

2) "The Christmas Song" (aka "Chestnuts Roasting On An Open Fire") - Nat King Cole, Mel Torme and Ray Charles versions.

3) "Rockin' Around The Christmas Tree" - Brenda Lee

4) "Let It Snow" - Dean Martin

5) "Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas" - Frank Sinatra version

6) "I'll Be Home For Christmas" - Elvis

7) "Silver Bells" - Dean Martin

8) "Silent Night" - Andy Williams version

9) "Walkin' In A Winter Wonderland" - Dean Martin

10) "O' Holy Night" - Andy Williams and Luciano Pavarotti versions.

Honorable Mentions:

"Little Drummer Boy" - by any artist

Any Christmas song and any music sung by Tony Bennett - as long as it isn't "White Christmas".

Any Christmas song by Sinatra, Martin, Torme, Williams, Cole, Charles ... except "White Christmas", which - if you haven't already grasped - I simply fucking hate.

"Mele Kalikimaka" - Bing Crosby.

"What Christmas Means To Me" - Stevie Wonder"

"Jingle Bell Rock" - Chubby Checker & Bobby Rydell. Chubby is a legend and an incredibly talented musician, befitting of the title Rock 'N Roll Genius, without a doubt.

"Feliz Navidad" - José Feliciano. I never tire of this song, it's a mainstay and
José is a brilliant and extremely talented musician.

Agree? Disagree? Wanna take me to task 'cuz I pooped on your fave Christmas song? Like I said, music is a very subjective thing. Leave a comment agreeing or disagreeing, if you'd like.


Other Lists:

VH1's List of Top Christmas Song Poll / 2004

Most/Least Popular Christmas-Holiday Songs Poll - UPI

Most Popular Christmas-Holiday Song - BBC story from 2004

Alaska Jim's Most Popular Christmas Tunes Poll/Survey Results

Linking Here:
Dane Bramage

Oh ho! We are SO on the same page about Babs, Mariah, Elton and Wham. And Band Aid? How'd that work out? I'm thinking they gave us a sucky song and Africa is still starving. And isn't Micheal Bolton just the Jar Jar Binks of music? The only thing worse than Sting's "I saw Three Ships" is Jon Anderson's version. (Somehow after 25 years I still have the original cassette of his Christmas album. That is the worse song on it.)

There isn't a song on your best list that I dislike. I would add "This Christmas" by the late Donny Hathaway. Oh and Sleighride by just about anybody (including the the Spice Girls :-))

Thanks for the all the linky love and have a Merry Christmas and a very prosperous New Year!
"The Jar Jar Binks of music/Bolton." oh, damn, there's a photoshop job in the making for one of us to work on!

Boy, I am not familiar with the J. Anderson vers of "3 Ships." I'm kinda glad I am not, to be honest.

Thank you for the Christmas and New Year wishes, and very much of the very same to you!
Who died and crowned you king of music?
Did you miss where I twice stated that music is so very "subjective"?

Never said I was the King of Music, but I'm glad you think so. Thanks for the honor.
"I don't much care for the tone of your voice! BLAM!

How could you leave out Python's "Christmas In Heaven?"
"Get some air in those wounds."

You bitch and piss and moan and contribute virtually nothing to this blog. Just who the fuck do you think you are, anyway? You're not my publisher nor are you my editor.

I remembered it, then forgot it and didn't have the desire to add it and re-post it. Thanks for remembering and reminding everyone that it is a great tune and receives far too little airplay.
"Just testing?"

The "Manlissa Etheridge howling like a coyote with it's leg stuck in a bear trap" line has to be one of the funniest critiques I've ever read! It cracks me up everytime I think about it!
You know I was just dishing shit on you right? I knew you would.

Thanks for liking the Manlissa bit. My purpose is to entertain my most loyal readers.
I damn David Bowie for that duet. As far as the whistling, I never really thought about it until now. The only song that like with whistling is Patience by GnR.

For the most part, I do not like Christmas music, but THIS is too damn awesome not to like.
yeah, TD, I like Bowie but there's no reasonable explanation for the duet with Bing.

Who IS that on the link? Weird Al ?
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