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Wednesday, March 04, 2009

You Can Have My Charmin Ultra Soft
When You Pry It From My Cold Dead Hands

Fluffy toilet paper is under attack from the EnviroLunatics. FOX News:

    Millions of trees are harvested throughout the Americas – including rare old-growth forests in Canada – to sustain the United States’ obsession with quilted, ultra-soft, multi-ply toilet paper, the New York Times reported.

    Although toilet paper manufacturers could produce products from recycled materials at a similar cost, the newspaper reported, the fiber taken from standing trees are necessary to help give the tissue its fluffy feel.

    “No forest of any kind should be used to make toilet paper,” said Dr. Allen Hershkowitz, a senior scientist and waste expert with the Natural Resource Defense Council told the Times. [ Uh, yeah, Step Off, Allen. - Drake ]

    [...]

    People from other countries throughout Europe and Latin America are far less picky about what they use to wipe.

European toilet paper "brown and corrugated", according to Bruce Ramsey at the Seattle PI blog:

    At home I have a roll I liberated in Poland in 1983 from a Communist hotel. It is brown and rather corrugated, like the hand towels in old bus-station waiting rooms[.]

Brown, rough, corrugated butt wipe? I don't think so; not me; no way.


Only when they are pried from my cold, dead hands.

And The Anti-Soft/Fluffy Toilet Paper New York Times article:

    Environmentalists are focusing on tissue products for reasons besides the loss of trees. Turning a tree to paper requires more water than turning paper back into fiber, and many brands that use tree pulp use polluting chlorine-based bleach for greater whiteness. In addition, tissue made from recycled paper produces less waste tonnage — almost equaling its weight — that would otherwise go to a landfill.

If the EnviroLunatics really want to make an impact - they won't due to the nature of what I'm about to say - they'd GO AFTER THE PEOPLE WHO USE DISPOSABLE DIAPERS! There's a toxic mess of paper, plastic and other slowly biodegradable products along with bacteria-laden feces that goes untreated, seeping into the ground water and soil. Yummy, huh?

The EnviroLunatics don't want to encounter the wrath of the disposable diaper crowd, they only attack the general public which usually doesn't have any unified voice of opposition.

It is rich for the NY Times to publish a story on tree consumption considering how many trees it has decimated since its inception in 1851!

Have you tried Charmin Ultra Soft? It's fantastic. It's like wiping your bum with a small, furry woodland creature.

The EnviroLunatics can have my rolls of Charmin Ultra Soft and Cottonelle Ultra along with my gun; when they pry both of them from my cold dead hands.

©2009

Disclaimer: This is not a "paid" blog post for Charmin or Cottonelle or an endorsement for their products.

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Comments:
I don't use the Charmin Ultra, but every time I read a post about this stuff, I go buy a pack, piss all over the entire pack and then throw it in the ditch behind my house. I have read a least seven posts on this in the last two days and trust me, it ain't cheap to throw out that much wasted toilet paper.

I'll be back shortly, gotta tinkle.
 
Oh, you simply must try the Charmin Ultra Soft. You'd swear you were wiping your bum with the fur of a little bunny rabbit.

The EnviroTards are just off the charts in their whining. And so off the mark. They really * DO * need to go after those who use disposable diapers. Christ, there's landfills packed to the brim with shit-filled plastic-paper diapers that won't biodegrade until the year 2550. Let alone all that former Gerbers food now baby shit seeping into the ground water. Fuck that.
 
"...it's like wiping my ass with silk..."
 
It is, isn't it, Arc?
 
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