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Sunday, December 17, 2006

Here Come The Fat Police

Well, it's about time that the Fat Police start cracking down on offenders just like The Cigarette and Second Hand Smoke Police have been cracking down on their targeted offenders for the past several decades. After all, society pays a cost both financially and emotionally for both vices.

"Oh, if he hadn't been a three-pack-a-day smoker, he wouldn't have died so young."

"Oh, if he hadn't have been a waddling two-tons of shit, clogging up his arteries, he wouldn't have died so young."
- - -
Health and Wellness Specialists, writing in the British Medical Journal, are suggesting that labels in larger-sized clothing should carry a tag warning the buyer to lose weight, including a obesity helpline number. (
"Hello, Obesity Helpline Operator? This is the Fat Tub of Shit Michael Moore...why are you doing this to me? Why are you harassing me?")

The study and its recommendations is an attempt to help individuals recognize their obesity problems and take corrective action.

    Clothes made in larger sizes should carry a tag with an obesity helpline number, health specialists have suggested. Sweets and snacks should not be permitted near checkouts, new roads should not be built unless they include cycle lanes and food likely to make people fat should be taxed...

The findings of the report are already coming under attack from critics.

Fat-Assed, Twenty-Ton Lard Lad Propagandist Michael Moore took great umbrage with the Study. "No,no no, no, no,no,no,no,no,no,no,no,no,no,no,no,no,no,no,no,no,no,no,no! I don't want to be reminded of my grotesque and obscene obesity when I'm buying my XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX-L sized shirts or my size 99 waist pants," said Moore.

"And to think that I would no longer have the opportunity, while standing in a check-out line, to buy boxes of Snickers, 3 Musketeers, M&M's, Almond Joy, Cadbury, Butterfingers, Mars Bars, Hersheys, Baby Ruths, Milky Ways, Mounds Bars, Salted Nut Rolls, Nut Goodies, Chicklets and other nourishment sources that my body requires! Why, the British Medical Journal is a blatant example of rank Socialism. I won't stand for it, damnit! I won't stand for government poking its nose into my personal life," wailed Moore, before consuming an entire herd of beef cattle ... raw.

Other well known corpulent celebrities weighed in with their opinions. The always expanding and rotund Rob "Meathead" Reiner called the British Medical Journal's study, "Wrong, just plain wrong. Just a minute - can I get a triple helping of cheese on top of that cheese, and a few hundred pounds of sausage on top of that pizza - now where was I? Oh, yeah, this study reeks of government meddling in personal lives, and that's wrong, so wrong. Just a minute - hey, I ordered thirty-seven large triple chocolate milkshakes, not thirty-six, what the fuck is wrong with you, can't you get a person's order right - now where was I? Oh, yeah, this study by the Brits proves that - just a minute, I told you I wanted twenty-seven rare prime ribs, not twenty six, what the hell's the matter with you, I need my nourishment. See, this study wants to intervene in my personal life, and government has no business in doing stuff like that! When I'm hungry I need to eat, damnit! I have blood sugar and glandular issues. I just can't be expected to start eating more healthy because some report says so," huffed Reiner.


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