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Wednesday, May 04, 2005

Today I am a Liberal!

I woke up a Raging Rabid Ravenous Bitter Liberal. All my political beliefs are wrong. I fully grasp how wonderful Bitter Liber...um....Bitter Socialism is compared to all other political beliefs. The following is what I now believe:

Where's my government check? Isn't it supposed to be in the mail? Well, it's not there, and already I know it's not enough money to sustain the lifestyle that I am used to, so a tax increase is necessary to fund the things that you don't expect me to work for or obtain on my own.

I insist that any and all types of religion be removed, deleted, or expunged from anything to do with government. Further, the word "God" had better damn well be removed from our currency. I demand our current president and congressional members make this their top priority - certainly there is nothing more important than this issue facing the U.S. at this time.

Nothing I say or do, for good or for bad, can be judged. You can only judge me on my intentions, which are altruistic. Really, they are; altruism is my middle name.

As a Bitter Socialist, I get to say and write things like "Bush is a fictitious President", "Stone Henry Hyde and his family", and "The Republicans stole both the 2000 and 2004 elections".

Abortion is, without question, a SACRED form of birth control. It doesn't matter if it's in the first few days of the pregnancy, or as the baby is being delivered.

If I drive my car off a bridge, and land in a body of water, with a woman in the car that I'm having an extramarital affair with, I can escape, leave her to drown, and successfully be reelected several times as a senator. It will help if I wear one of those white neck braces. Does anyone know where I can get one of them?

Oil is bad. Simply bad. Oil. Halliburton. Bush. Cheney. All the power we need is in the wind and the sun. Oh, and in cow poo, we can get all our fuel from cow poo.

Michael Moore is my hero. His films, especially his documentaries, are completely true, accurate, unskewed, objective, and fair. I sincerely apologize for making fun of his weight. I retract all of it. Mr. Moore is a fine example of physical fitness. He is buffed, toned, and the envy of any bodybuilder or anyone who has ever tried to get in shape.

The Iraq war was a complete sham. It was devised by Bush, Cheney, and Halliburton. And Halliburton. Did I mention them?

We need Saddam Hussein-like statues all over the country in the likeness of the greatest president in the history of America: William Clinton. Every state must have at least three statues and cities with populations exceeding fifty thousand must have eleven of these statues and each one must be a minimum of twenty feet tall, and made of solid gold.

America will be renamed Clintonland.

Our renamed country will of course call for a new flag, and the new flag will be a solid blue flag, with one crusty white spot in the middle of it.

The Department of Defense and the Pentagon will be eliminated, as will our armed forces. We will and can negotiate with terrorists and those who wish to harm us. If negotiating doesn't work, we can surely count on the United Nations to protect us.

I can lie under oath, and it doesn't matter.

I can rape away with abandon, and no one will believe the accuser.

Global warming is absolutely and undeniably scientifically true. Taxes must be raised to combat this epidemic.

Cigarettes are the most vile, evil thing on earth. Well, next to Bush, Cheney and Halliburton. And Halliburton. Did I mention Halliburton?

George Soros is truly a sincere individual, and we should do whatever he says, because he knows best.

We must do everything and anything we can for "the children". Those we don't abort, I mean. Children are our greatest resource and asset. If taking care of "the children" means a tax increase, so be it. Nothing - I repeat - NOTHING is more important than "the children".

Condoms must be handed out beginning in pre-school. It's the right thing to do.

Those who do not fully believe in the Liberal/Socialistic Platform will be "re-educated". If you fail re-education, you will be eliminated as a useless eater.

Everyone on life support will have their life support removed. The money saved by doing this will be then spent on "the children".

Paul Wellstone will be exhumed and reanimated. He will then be permanently installed as Supreme Ruler of Clintonland.

Anyone disagreeing with these beliefs has not fully, lib-jectively looked at the situation seriously. Thus, you are a useless eater, and will be eliminated.

Ah, yes, these are the things that I now believe.

Did I mention Halliburton?
© 2005

*chuckles* Very nice. I like the blue flag joke. Clever.

I can't argue with you on some of the things like Michael Moore (who I enjoy for his comedic value but have lost a lot of respect for, especially since Roger & Me was SO good and F9/11 was so over the top).

Of course, I think most of the rest of it is crap. ;-)

Regarding our earlier conversation -- most of the most vehment anti-liberal stuff I've seen has been on a private web forum that has a lot of people on it from Kentucky who are VERY conservative. I've also drawn comments on some blogs that I no longer visit telling me things like I should go "hump a fag" and get AIDS and die, et cetera. Obviously, it's not mainstream stuff. But I don't think anyone who thinks that Ronald Reagan's death is funny is terribly mainstream either. I didn't like the guy, but... well, you get the point.

A humorous but not over-the-top take from "the other side" is much appreciated -- especially in comparison to most of the right wing folks I encounter on the internet. Whew.
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