Thursday, November 05, 2009
Wal Mart Stiffens Casket Market Competition
The Circle of Life is almost complete at Walmart. I just discovered that Walmart now offers a large selection of caskets for those of us who are planning for the great hereafter. I suppose that it can’t be too long before Walmart also offers a mid-wife service, and after that, dormitories for its workers. People will be born, live and die without ever having to go anywhere else.
Why does a dead person need a 100% bronze casket with hand-crafted, high-gloss, brushed-finished highlights and a lush velvet interior? Admittedly, the Siena [sic] Bronze Casket is quite attractive and it looks quite comfortable. It even includes an adjustable mattress and a — get this — memory tube. And since it is being sold at Walmart, I can only assume that it is quite a bargain at $2,899!
Three thousand dollars for a box in which I might be placed after I am deceased which will then be buried in the ground and never seen again. Doesn’t that seem like an awful lot of money to spend on box in which my mortal remains will merely decay beyond all recognition? What’s the point, really, of spending money like that on something that can serve no real purpose until its owner is past benefitting from it? Wouldn’t it be better to spend the money on a comfortable bed and mattress on which to sleep while alive?
I understand that the casket is not really used to benefit the decedent. It is there to comfort the bereaved. After all, when someone dies, it is not easy to pay one’s final respects and it is certainly a lot easier to do it if the decedent appears to be merely sleeping rather than stone cold dead.
That said, I really cannot see myself ever spending that kind of money on a casket, even a casket with pin stripes or a high gloss black finish that will make me feel as cool as Dracula. Rather, I will always maintain that a pine box should be more than satisfactory, as it was in the Old West.
Here's Wal Mart's Page O' Coffins. Mmmmmmm - Mmmmmmm, some very fine looking models, yes? Browse through the selection. That Sienna Bronze model sure is nice, huh? It's The Coupe d'Elegance of Wal Mart coffins! I hear it comes with one year free subscriptions to both SIRIUS music and On-Star.
Pictured below is their Mom Remembered model (okay, okay, I doctored it up a little), clearly a steal priced at only $895. I wonder if Wal Mart ever issues coupons in their Sunday circular for ten or twenty bucks off the cost of a coffin?
Mom Remembered. As opposed to..."Mom Neglected" model? Or the "According to my Therapist All My Problems are the result of my Mom" model?
Then there is the Regal Wide Body for $1,199. The ad copy boasts it is 4 inches wider than the standard models. This model must be for those dear departed who put on few pounds before dying. Clearly The Regal would not accommodate such heavyweights as Michael Moore, Rosie O'Moo, Joy "Big Hips" Behar or Rob "Feed Me" Reiner.
I'm going to need a hidden compartment in my casket where I can stash my Bacardi and my...uh...herb. And my laptop. Blogging from the Afterlife from inside a Wal Mart coffin is part of the ObamaCare Health Plan if I'm not mistaken?
For Death Panel option, add another $100 onto the price.
Give me a pine box. Or prop me up in the corner of a room with a lit cigarette in my mouth. Either one will do. It's not like I will be aware of it. XD
"We need TP, paper towels, some snacks, buy some soap and detergent...oh, hey, let's check out the coffins while we're here."
A "two for one sale" on coffins at Wal Mart. That can't be too far off.
All right Ms. Bug. I am signing off for the night. Going to watch a basketball game.
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