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Friday, December 01, 2006

Study Shows Cigarette Smokers Are More Cool Than Non-Smokers

Geneva - A study released today shows that cigarette smokers are perceived by their peers and others, including strangers, as being way more cool than non-smokers. The study, conducted over the past two decades by the Institute of We're Not Funded By Big Tobacco Research Really, released their findings amid a flurry of controversy.

The findings of the study allegedly show that smokers, in general, are looked upon and thought to be "cooler" than non-smokers. Other results from the study show that cigarette smokers between the age span from 8 to 77 are considered "cooler" than their peers, pipe smokers between ages 71-76 are "indisputably suave and debonair" and that the ability to be "cool" is lost and unrecoverable if you don't take up cigarette smoking by age 11.

"This study and its conclusions was conducted with the most controlled, careful and scientific methods using state of the art techniques over twenty years," said Dr. Jim McJim, Head of Research, Science and Engineering, who oversaw the study for the IOWNFBBTRR.

Criticism of the study from non-smoking advocates, groups and organizations was harsh, as expected. "We condemn this study, the people who conducted this study and their so-called results," said Schlemmie Kunnthead, President of Cigarettes Bad Very Very Bad, an anti-tobacco organization in New York. Kunnthead added that smoking is never cool and stressed the health benefits gained from being a non-smoker. McJim doesn't share her view. "I respectfully disagree with Ms. Kunnthead," he says.



Although much of the research information is proprietary, McJim did share one of the tools used in the study. "We showed a control group of diverse individuals large screen projection images of James Dean smoking a cigarette. Of Humphrey Bogart lighting one up. We showed them footage of Andrew Dice Clay, in his early stand-up comedy years, on stage lighting and smoking one cigarette after another. Then we showed the same control group images of non-smoking health advocates. Then, presenting both the image of a smoker and a non-smoker, side by side, we asked the group 'which of these people is cooler than the other'? By a wide and indisputable margin their response was always 'the smoker'", McJim replied, lighting several cigarettes and smoking them all at the same time.

"See, see how cool I am? I smoke more than one cigarette at a time (hack, hack, cough, cough, wheeze, urp, hick, urp, hrrrrrrrraaaack, hrrrrrrrraaaack, hooooo-haaaa, aaaaww-raaaaaaah, hraaaaah, spit spit, phlegm and sputum, phlegm and sputum)! This study is so awesome," he said.

©2006

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Comments:
We needed a study to prove what every cool person already knows?
 
heh....who knew.
 
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